I need to learn how to stand up for myself and especially for my daughter. I was having breakfast with a friend of mine celebrating her new job offer at a local bakery and brought P along. I had her in her stroller because she was sleepy and she does much better if she is sitting eye level with the people at the table. She hasn’t been feeling well so she just sat there with a sour face looking around trying to soak in the brightly colored interior. We were sitting next to the register so everyone that wasn’t already eating smiled and talked to P.
I’ve been feeling really emotional over the past week. It might have to do with baby P having more of a personality lately resulting in me missing her even more. She snuggles now and looks up at you with a sly smile because she is drooling milk all over your shirt. Today she was chewing on my leg in an attempt to help her aching teeth. It doesn’t hurt and I don’t believe she is going to learn to bite people based on gnawing on my leg at five months old (I could be raising a vampire, who knows). Right now, she is wailing from her bed because her little nubs of teeth are trying to break through. My amazing husband is giving her baby Tylenol to try to help her.
All day today, a friend of mine has been trying to get me on the phone. I’m usually not the type to avoid a conversation but the times she wanted to chat I was knee deep in grocery shopping, driving, cleaning, putting away laundry, putting baby P down or feeding baby P. I felt awful and kept telling her, “sorry can’t talk at xyz” but I can text if you want. All I could think to myself was ‘I’m not a terrible person, I’m just a mom.”
Today baby P was fitted with her helmet that she will wear for the next several months. When I found out that, she had to wear one I was crushed. I felt like I did something wrong. I immediately reverted back to what I had always grown up thinking helmets were for. The only kids that wore them when I was young were children that had developmental issues. I know that is such a far place to jump and logically I know that she doesn’t have any of those issues and that this is to help shape her skull but I went there so quickly. The mom guilt fell on top of me so hard that I thought I would collapse. Did I not pick her up enough? Did I not play with her enough? Why didn’t I do something that would help her to not have to deal with this?
We live in Texas, which means that we have to embrace fall when it’s still in the 90’s outside. A nice Fall day right now means that it’s less than 80 degrees outside and that there is possibly a breeze. As much as I am a die-hard Texan it’s no secret that we have to embrace Fall in our own way. Yesterday morning was one of those days for me. I woke up and wanted to smell cinnamon, enjoy a warm breakfast and feel like it was a chilly autumn day. Yesterday also kicked off the first day of Fun and Frugalfest where we aren’t spending money outside of our budget and we are planning a budget-friendly date night which meant whatever I was going to cook needed to come from what we had in the pantry and fridge.
Growing up without much can make you very conscious about your spending habits, growing up without much and then making good money as an adult can make you feel invincible and ruin your childhood plans. I can recall standing in line to get handouts at the local church, hiding behind the crowd so the other kids didn’t see me. I told myself that one day I would make 6-figures, have a big house, fancy car and would never worry about money again… Then as an adult I fell into the expensive things are a need and not a want, trap. We still budgeted, but the excess money we had wasn’t 100% going to debt it was being split between luxury makeup, nostalgia items, furniture, and eating out (mostly eating out). My husband and I were both upset with ourselves. We had done what we had always said we wouldn’t do. We planned to spend the same amount of money no matter what our raises looked like. Although it sounds easy, it isn’t.